So You Just Clinched An MLB Division Title — What Now?

Goody

Goody

Chicagoan. Cubs fan (:-().
Heckler.
Writer of sentence fragments.
Goody

If you’re reading this, you’re a professional baseball player on a team that has just clinched their divisional title. Congratulations! Hopefully you are reading this after an exciting win to bring your magic number down to zero, though there’s no shame in backing your way in with a loss from your divisional foes.

You’re with your teammates ready to burst onto the field, but a nagging question might be bothering you. What do you do next?

STEP ONE: STORM THE FIELD

Nothing is more fun than a good old-fashioned field storming. Bounce around, hug the teammates you like, try not to slug the teammates you don’t like. It’s a time for you to let loose, really soak in the fact that after a long, hard season you’ve actually made it to the playoffs. This is a time for celebration.

STEP TWO: GET YOUR SWAG ON

Some nameless intern is going to immediately hand out Division Champ shirts and hats. Grab that shit! Put it on right away! This is literally the only time in your life you will wear either of these items of clothing!

STEP THREE: INTERRUPT SOMEONE’S TV INTERVIEW

Someone is going to be the guy to jam a shaving cream pie into the star first baseman’s face while they interview with the on-field announcer while shouting, “WOOOO” or “THIS GUY” incomprehensibility. It might as well be you.

STEP FOUR: TAKE IT TO THE LOCKER ROOM

This is where the party can really begin. Taking in the cheers of thousands of fans is good and all, but the locker room is where the champagne is at.

STEP FIVE: OPEN EVERY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND BEER TO ENSURE IT SPRAYS EVERYWHERE

This is easily the most fun thing about clinching a playoff berth.

STEP SIX: DO NOT WEAR GOGGLES

Goggles worn to prevent champagne from getting into your eyes are for weak men with wheat allergies. You’re a professional ballplayer, dammit, have some self respect. Besides, champagne doesn’t really sting that bad.

STEP SEVEN: DANCE PARTY!

Music will be blaring, so get in the mood. If you’re really lucky, your coach will get in on it too with some awesome Dad Moves.

STEP EIGHT: GET DRUNK

Self-explanatory.

STEP NINE: AFTER PARTY!

You will spend at least a thousand dollars at a high-end bar. Accept it and embrace it. You’re a MLB ballplayer, anyway, you can afford it.

STEP TEN: PLAY THE NEXT GAME HUNG OVER

The one downside to clinching before the season is over is that, invariably, you have to go to work the next day. In your case, “work” involves playing a professional baseball game in front of thousands of fans. Stock up on aspirin, and congratulations again!

Goody

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